Best Game Ever

Against all odds, the Solid Gold Hits defeated the league champs last night, 5-2.

I know there was a lot of alcohol consumed, but we legitimately played our best game of the season. It helped that they hit every ball to Terry where he had positioned himself in deep short. First base lady, Amber, once again didn't miss anything and our platoon of second base ladies did a great job too.

Also, we hit great which is a feat for which I have no explanation, but man, we looked awesome out there.

Highlights of the night included:

* Zep winning the season MVP award which got him a pretty smart lookin' hat identifying as such.

* Zep responding to the chants of "M-V-P! M-V-P!" with an embarassing pop up.

* Sonya pitching a great game and being awarded two bottles of Goldschlager (one tiny one for perfect attendance and one big one by way of a Cracker Jack raffle).

* Dawn getting to second base for the first time. This makes me laugh every time.

* Terry (Striker) leading a Cracker Jack revolt in my backyard because of the ever declining number of peanuts. Popcorn everywhere.

* Team Mom, Betsy, coming through with Twizzlers and sunflower seeds even though she's been unable to make it out to games. She really put our old team mom to shame.

* The game ball, which was actually two game balls since it carried over "skins" style from last week, went to Old Skool coach, Paco, for being a good sport and getting his team wasted prior to the game.

* An Old Skooler reaching base and delivering the quote of the night "I need to puke."

* Another Old Skooler "accidentally" running into our ladies at each base and not being able to get off them.

* Matt yelling from left field to Old Skool "Get out of our dugout" even though we were sharing a dugout because they had a wagon full of beer. Also, Matt yelled a lot of other things.

* Terry (Striker) repeatedly pointing out at that two men from Old Skool went to the bathroom together.

* Matt hit a home run and somehow managed to run the entire way around the bases even though he had to run from first to home the previous dinning.

So that wraps up another exciting season of Solid Gold Hits softball. This victory lifted our season record to 3-5 which is actually one game better than we did last fall. Yahoo for that.

I hope that the Hits will ride again in the fall, but in the meantime please throw your support in the direction of new summer league team, the Suck Dragons. Stay tuned for more info on that.

Thanks to everyone who played, cheered or otherwise supported the team this season. And an even bigger thanks to all of you who were involved in getting me a bottle of Maker's Mark and gift certificate for the Buggy Whip. You're the best team ever!

Now where's that breakfast pizza?

Majority Rules in the News

Remember Majorty Rules? Of course you do. They were the team that had to leave Tuesday nights because a certain Mets jersey wearing dope was taking the game way too seriously and ruining it for everyone else.

Well, now they play Thursday nights and it seems things are not going much better. Here's an excerpt from Capitol Weekly:

Springtime in Sacramento is softball season, where the city's parks fill up with co-ed leagues, many of which feature Capitol staffers, and the occasional newspaper reporter. But the dangers of such activity became apparent at a game last week featuring the Democratic Capitol-staffer-heavy team, Majority Rules. While the game was afoot, a custom canvas bag belonging to one staffer was under foot, or rather under leg, of one deaf pug, Leroy. Apparently the bag carried the embroidered name of the staffer's dog, and Leroy let his feelings about the bag, and presumably the other dog, be known, as he relieved himself all over the bag. Leroy's owner offered to pay $5 bucks to have the bag cleaned, but that apparently wasn't good enough. The staffer demanded the owner pay $40 for the bag, which was "custom" and irreplacable. Leroy's owner waffled but eventually coughed up forty bucks. But that did little to settle the bad blood the incident had conjured up. "Learn how to control your dog," the bag's owner barked at Leroy's chapperone. And you thought there was bad blood between the Yankees and Red Sox...

Hits Show Up Early, Stay Late, Drink Beer

Ok, we lost.

More accurately, we were given a two run head start and lost.

Even more accurately, we were given a two run head start and lost 11-4.

I think Sacrilicious's guys each had at least one home run. It was ridiculous. I don't know why they are so much better than us because they certainly don't look it. Why can one team of losers hit everything so well while another team of losers can only hit pop-ups and soft grounders?

I can't explain it.

It was such a sad performance, that a game ball wasn't even awarded. On the plus side, this means there will be two game balls next week and, as was stipulated after the game, the winner of the the double shot is REQUIRED to shoot them both down no matter their sensory, moral, religious or allergic opposition to such an act.

Also, next week will be the last game of the season. The Solid Gold Hits will take the summer off to think about what they've done, but will (hopefully) ride again in the fall. This means it's time for the post-season celebration and awards banquet...which will most likely happen before and/or after next week's game.

Unfortunately, that game is against Old Skool who we have absolutely no chance of beating.

The Hits stuck around after their loss last night to pound beers, eat pizza and watch Old Skool defeat the Luck Dragons to claim the league title.

Since everything is locked up and we have no chance of beating Old Skool, we are in talks with them to make two new teams out of our existing teams for next week's game. Let me know how you feel about that.

If we want to stick together as a team and get killed, I'm totally cool with that.

If we want to combine teams in an effort to play a more competitive game, I'm totally cool with that too.

Just let me know how you feel and I'll let Old Skool know.

Thanks and be on the look out for emails about the end of season celebration and awards banquet.

Hits get Old Skooled

So it was a little rainy and we barely fielded a team and had no fans, but we still did a respectable job against the league's #1 team. Here are the stats:

Runs Scored: 5
Runs Allowed: like 13
Hits: 10
Enchiladas won: 0
Cupcakes won: Also 0
Runs the Luck Dragons scored against Old Skool two weeks ago: 1
How many more runs we scored against Old Skool than they did: 400%
How proud we are of that: very
Because we are: petty
Game Ball Winner: Terry
Grand Slams: 1 (Terry)
Diving stops: 3 (Terry)
Diving attempts that only resulted in injury as the ball rolled, untouched, into the outfield : 1 (Nick)
Weather: Wet, but not too bad. A little chilly
Longest distance traveled to play this miserable game: Greg & Linda (thanks!)
How we kept warm: Hot cocoa
Alcohol content of the cocoa: unknown
Errors: 20
Errant throws that Sonya had to chase down: All of them
Z's comfort level playing 3rd base: 0
Number of people on our roster: 40
Number of people who showed up: 9
Emergency fill-in players who we had to pull away from their own post-game beers at Socal's because we were short a girl at game time and to who we are very thankful for her even showing up: Emily (Luck Dragons)
Balls hit to Emily at 2nd: 5
Balls she fielded: 0
Balls she made any kind of attempt to get: 0
Person we can blame for loss: Emily
Did I mention we were very thankful for her showing up: Yes
Longest run to chase down a ball: Dawn
Old Skool's Effort Level: 10%
Number of runs they could've beaten us by: However many they wanted
Old Skool's Uniforms: Yellow (in honor of us!)
Combined team photos taken after the game: 3
Percentage of those photos in which I'm lifting my shirt: 33.33%
General team mood: embarrassed, sleepy

Coach Nick Makes Ill-advised Wager

Over-confidence and an extreme longing for Mexican food has, once again, resulted in Coach Nick screwing himself over... and this time he's bringing the rest of the Hits with him.

A win by the Hits over Old Skool next Tuesday would open the door for a repeat Luck Dragons championship, but what's our motivation to help them out?

In an attempt to find some motivation and with his mind clouded by uncommon sobriety, Coach Nick approached the Luck Dragons with a wager.

Here's the deal. Marta, the Luck Dragons' tall-sock wearing utility player, apparently makes a mean enchilada. In an effort to obtain some of these legendary Mexican treats, the following offer was made:

If the Solid Gold Hits beat Old Skool on Tuesday night, Marta will personally delivery a delicious enchilada lunch to our office. Should the Hits lose, we owe the Luck Dragons a case of beer.

It's a pretty solid wager except for the fact Old Skool is way, way, way, way , way, way, way better than us.

Is the prospect of free enchiladas enough to turn our rag-tag group of lovable losers into big-time winners? There's only one way to find out for sure.

I'll bring the Tapatio.

Victory Breakfast!

A big thanks to Julie V. who brought us our victory breakfast this morning. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

If that doesn't motivate us to win next week, I don't know what will.

Thanks again, Julie!

Solid Gold Hits Back on Track

Man, I don't even know where to start with this one.

I guess with the fact that we beat the lowly, but good-natured, West Coast Builders 5-1. There is so much more though.

I'm just skipping straight to the highlights:

* I managed to secure the legendary dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds. As soon as the first seed touched my tongue, I thought I was vomiting...not because the seeds were making me vomit, but because they tasted like vomit. More specifically, they tasted like the pre-vomit bile that builds in the back of your throat prior to vomiting. My partners in motion sickness know what I'm talking about. If you'd like to try them (and why wouldn't you after reading this) I've got a huge bag that's about 99% full you can have.

* Poor Ed. Every time he plays with us he really stinks up the joint. He swung at pitches so far over his head his bat couldn't even reach them. Embarrassing. however, we win every time he plays with us, so whatever.

* In what might be a co-ed D league first, game ball winner and starting pitcher, Matt, appealed to the home plate umpire after the second base umpire called a runner safe as she dove back in to the bag after a caught line drive. Sure enough, the home plate ump rang her up and we got the double play. That's just heads up ball, Matt.

* Hillary had a real adventure on the base paths. She was on first when a ball hit by KC was caught dramatically in the outfield. Unfortunately, by the time the ball was caught, Hillary was already on second. Our whole dugout was yelling at her to run back to first, but she only heard the "run" part so she kept moving on to third. This really confused the Builders who had just as little if not less of a clue than Hillary. So they threw the ball to third. At this point, Hillary grasped what was going on and began working her way back to first. There were any number of ways that the Builders could have gotten her out at this point, but they chose to simply throw the ball back to first base. For those keeping score at home, it was the ol' 8-5-3 double play. This also raises the question: Where was our base coach?

* My new hat!

* I liked the part of the game where Z was batting and Hillary said "Let's go, Ed!"

* Speaking of Z, he had a great slide - something he said he'd never do - into home. It was a mighty collision. I was so proud for goading him into it.

* This game had one of our highest fan attendance totals of the season with four. One of which was Tom who:

A) Didn't try to conceal his bottle of Sierra Nevada at all.

B) Tended to wander into the outfield with said beer in hand.

All in all, it was a solid game. Before I wrap it up, let me give shout outs to Jessica who had a great hitting night, Julie V. who didn't make me look like a complete fool for putting her in the clean-up spot, Leticia for getting back out on to the field and Sonya for babysitting the leftover pizza which I hope has worked its way back into the office.

How to Play Softball #2

It has been brought to my attention that many of our players are seriously lacking some of the basic skills needed to excel at softball. I don't care if you can't catch, run, throw or hit, but if you wanna be on this team you had darned well better be able to eat sunflower seeds the right way.

Last week, Linda watched in amazement as Sonya filled her mouth with a handful of seeds and proceeded to crack them open, eat them and spit them out without the use of her hands!!!

"Have you seen how Sonya eats sunflower seeds?!" she asked me as if she had just seen the world's greatest magic trick.

Eating sunflower seeds by the handful is second only to "pounding beer" as an essential softball skill. It's embarrassing to have our team out there eating seeds, one-by-one, with bits of wet shells all over our hands from prying out kernels.

David, the maker of the world's finest sunflower seeds, offers seed eating instructions on their website, but I'm just going to plagiarize them here.

STEP 1: Pop a handful of seeds in your mouth. Like a big handful. I try to pack at least two innings worth in there.

STEP 2: Store seeds in one cheek. Just cram it full of seeds. If the salt feels like it's burning a hole through your cheek, you know you're doing it right.

STEP 3: Now transfer one seed to the other side. Our tongues are great little muscles. Just slide one seed out of your storage cheek and position in between your top and bottom teeth on the opposite side of our mouth. Set the seed seam side up so that when you bite the two halves of shell can easily split.

STEP 4: Crack the shell with your teeth. It doesn't take a lot of pressure to break the shell. They're sunflower seeds fer cryin' out loud!

STEP 5: Remove the kernel with your tongue. Or you can scrape it out along a tooth. The important thing is that you resist the urge to bring your hands into the mix. Once the kernel is liberated, push the shells to the front of your mouth and spit them out. A quick, forceful puff is the way to go to ensure that the shells will clear your chin and land safely on the dugout floor where they immediately become someone else's problem.

STEP 6: Enjoy the fruits of your labor and eat the kernel. Then repeat.

Sonya graciously purchased a big box of seeds for us, so I expect us all to be bitin', chewin, and spittin, as we demolish the Builders tonight.

Oh, and if my new gig on the River Cats' grounds crew has taught me anything, it's that seeds now come in dill pickle flavor. If I can locate some between now and game time, be prepared for a dill-licious time.

Luck Dragons Lose!

Not to us of course, but it's still moderately satisfying...and terrifying as we have to play Old Skool twice in the next 4 weeks.

Old Skool is apparently the best team ever as they beat the team that beat us 10-1 by the score of 13-1. Using a highly complicated formula this means we will lose by the exact score of 86-2 when we get our shot at Old Skool. On the plus side, we'll have cool hats.

Oh, and we also played Tuesday night. The Solid Gold Hits had a tough-luck 8-2 loss at the hands of Sacrilicious.

Displaying what has become out trademark move, we started the game by digging ourselves into a huge hole. Down 4-0 at the end of the first, we struggled to get any momentum going.

Even though Greg made some great plays in the outfield and Sonya did a hell of a job at third base, we just couldn't turn that into any runs. This is probably because we were on defense at the time.

Unfortunately, we couldn't score on offense either. Game ball winner, Sonya, drove in our only two runs of the game with a 2-RBI single in the third or fourth inning (who can keep count?).

We had plenty of chances to close the gap, but our big bats - including yours truly - failed miserably in clutch situations. Lots of pop-ups and weak grounders...and some not so weak grounders that just met their end in the third baseman's glove.

Other highlights included:

* A double play...which may or may not have been outs 3 and 4, but still a double play!

* Hillary taunting and challenging a batter to hit it to her in right field. The batter granted her wish, but only managed hit the ball directly into the mid-section of our lovely first basewoman, Amber, who secured the ball for the out and, for reasons unknown even to her, hugged the runner.

* Greg's amazing catch to start the game in deep, deep, deep left field. It was all downhill from there.

* In an effort to one-up me on my near dog smashing foul ball last week, a Sacrilicious batter made a gallant effort at hitting a small innocent child with a similar foul ball. Luckily, no one was hurt...except for the small innocent child. Kidding, everyone was fine.

* Running into Old Skool at Milano Pizza where their tales of beating the Luck Dragons must have sounded a lot like the Luck Dragons tales of beating us a week ago.

Of course, since we have two games left against Old Skool, the Luck Dragons really need us to pull off some miracle victories if they want to keep their dreams of repeat championships alive. It's probably time to start kissing up to us now, Luck Dragons. I know for a fact that we've never lost a game after having a cake baked for us from another team. Or enchiladas, Marta.

Anyhow, next week we'll aim to get back on track against West Coast Builders...who have yet to construct a win. No mercy!

How to Play Softball - #1

Surprisingly, there is more to softball than cool uniforms, Big League Chew and beer. Luckily for us, not much more. Still, I thought that maybe it was time to give everyone a refresher on a few rules of the game.

I think we all pretty much understand that three strikes make a strikeout and four balls make a walk. In our league, all foul balls count as strikes...even the third one. Also, and I know this has come up, if the defense catches a ball that you popped up in foul territory, it's still an out.

After hitting the ball, you run to first. In our league, there are two first bases. Run to the orange one unless you are thinking of continuing on to second. Orangey is there so that we avoid collisions at whitey. The first baseman will use the white one and the runner will use the orange.

Also, and this is very important, if you are running out a single you can totally overrun first base. So after you hit it, feel free to all out sprint down the line because you do not need to jam on the brakes at first. Just run as fast as you can and make sure you touch the base as you zoom on by it into right field.

Which reminds me, right field is on your right when you're standing at home plate looking out at the field. When you are in the field you might be tempted to think it's the other way around, but I assure you it's like this...and like that and like this.

But back to the lecture at hand.

You can run through first base into right field without being in danger of anybody tagging you out. That is, as long as you don't act like you're gonna go to second. As soon as you make a left hand turn in the direction of second, you are free game. Also, you don't get the same wiggle room on any other base. First is the only base you can run through. Let's all repeat that. First is the only base you can run through. Now, once for the grammar sticklers out there. First is the only base through which you can run. Thank you.

Once safely on first, talk to your base coach about the current situation. Depending on their level of sobriety, they may have some good advice.

If there are less than two outs, you're gonna have to do some thinking...and it would be great if that thinking involved knowing when to run. If the ball is hit in the air, stay on the bag until you know if it will be caught or not. If you're feeling real good about your skillz, maybe stand a little bit off the bag knowing that you can get back to it if you need to.

If a fly ball is caught and you're off the base, the defense can throw the ball to the base and get you out. They don't need to tag you, they just need to tag the base.

The act of staying on the base until the ball is caught is known as "tagging up." Once the ball is caught, if you are on base, you are free to attempt taking another base...preferably the next one in order. Again, your potentially sober base coach will come in handy here. If you think you can make it safely you should start running as soon as the ball hits the fielder's glove.

Of course, if the ball drops safely you'd better start running.

Also, if you are on base and there are two outs things get real easy. Just run as soon as the bat hits the ball. Since there are already two outs, it just doesn't matter if the fielder catches it or not. No one has ever been the fourth out...except for that one time against the Luck Dragons where the ump kept giving them extra ones.

Another thing that we get confused on is the difference between a "force out" and a "tag out."

When you are on first base and the batter hits a grounder, you've got nowhere to go but second base. If you stay on first the person who hit the ball will be there too. You can't have that, therefore, you've got to go to second. In fact, you could say that you are being "forced" to go there. In this situation, if the ball beats you to the base, yer outta there. No tagging is needed.

However, when you're headed to second of your own free will - perhaps while "tagging up" - then the defense must apply the tag. Many of you question why I was not out last week when I slid into to second base well after the ball had arrived at the base. This was because I am awesome. Also, it was because the second baseman did not tag me. But why didn't they tag me? You guessed it; because I'm awesome.

I know there are a lot of variables, a lot of quick decisions to be made and great potential for crippling panic to set in while on the base paths, so I hope this helps you out a little.

That's probably enough rules stuff for today so just chill till the next episode.